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 “Echoes of old memories
Conjured forth by the mind — The most adept alchemist Like the magic of some wicked sorcery Suspends me in time; For one fleeting moment Takes me to that which will never come again Holds me in space, Like dust in the wind — somewhere that I do not belong — not anymore. I struggle to escape from the web of — Unspoken thoughts — Unheard words — Unfulfilled wishes When my only solace is in surrender. I take refuge in the radical acceptance Of what I am and who I am; And who I am now is enough. It always was. It always will be. (But sometimes I need a gentle reminder.)” -d.h.
The waterfall cascaded down
Rushing towards the ground beneath As though it had suddenly realized That letting go is the way to peace. -d.h.  Nothing lasts forever and all things come to an end - good or bad. This adage brings hope when times are dark and uncertain. When something we cherished comes to an end, it throws one off the edge. Often, it comes unannounced, unexpected. I’ve experienced this several times and each time’s been hard in its own way. But because I try to find the lesson in everything I'm thankful for each experience, for all the people I have come across, for everything that they shared with me, for the chance I have had to grow. I'll take the best of it with me everywhere I go. Even though this isn't what I want, I will take the high road because I don’t want to carry the burden of anger or walk around with disappointment. And mostly because I want to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made.
These ashes that lay before me of something that had to die, sometimes tempt me to rebuild what was. But it’s amorphous. It won’t budge, and it refuses to take shape. I finally do understand something deeply. There are things we have to accept even when we don’t want them to happen. There are things we don't want to know but must learn (of ourselves and others). And there are people we think we can't live without but have to let go. I know I will carry these experiences in my heart. But I don’t know in what shape or form just yet. Something has shifted within me fundamentally - altered me in a lasting way. But I’m waiting to learn what this transformation is - whether I will wall myself in or become stronger and fluid and allow the scars to be a reminder of who I used to be. For now, I have to live in this in-between, suspended in what was and what is yet to come. For now, I am forced to live fully in the present. I have no choice but lean into what’s uncomfortable and difficult. For now, I need to journey with it each day as I discover who I am becoming. -d.h.  “What would I be if I hadn’t been hurt?
What would I be without the scars? Would I ever know the truth? Would I realize -- How the shadow gives meaning to light. If the storm hadn’t blown, Would I cherish the calm? If I hadn’t been empty, Would I know the space within my heart? If I were unbroken, Would I know how to love? Would I be real if I hadn’t been hurt?” -d.h.  “You and I
Are the creation and the destruction You and I Are everything and nothing You and I Are eternal and ephemeral You and I Are forever and never ever You and I Are the dance Of the light and the shadow You and I Dwell in that space between absoluteness and nothingness You are the home I — the wilderness. We’re always together and forever apart.” -d.h.  A conundrum of the blazing sun - it could save the world or set it on fire! It’s a reflection of all the dichotomies that exist within each of us, within our thoughts. Every thought is a seed with the potential for good and bad, right and wrong, creation and destruction. But it’s not always black and white - it’s a little bit of both. And we often push that boundary, that thin line between light and dark. At times, we get dangerously close to crossing the threshold to the other side of what’s comfortable, what feels right, what agrees with our moral compass. If the earth gets too close to the sun, the same creative fire that sustains it, could lead to its annihilation. And yet, sometimes it is necessary to push that limit. Ultimately, it’s our choices and actions emanating from those thoughts that shape and mould us as we evolve with time. We redefine that threshold, that boundary. And quite often, the meaning of right and wrong itself transforms. But it all begins with our thoughts. As Descartes succinctly put it, “I think; therefore, I am.”
-d.h.  How many times have you let the wants of others eclipse the needs of you? How many times have you chosen to stay with something, without caring for your own pain, just so you don’t hurt someone else? I tend to struggle with this more often than I’d like to admit. It’s easier to shrink into something you’re not just so you feel accepted by those around you or fabricate words of truth for the comfort of others. It’s much more arduous to walk away from something when it doesn’t serve you any longer, when it doesn’t align with you who are anymore. Invariably at some point, the burden of being what or who you are not becomes an indomitable task to carry on. The insurmountable debt of all the lies you tell yourself begins to suffocate you.
Perhaps the discomfort of embracing who you are is, in fact, of greater service than the pain of being enchained by the illusion of someone else. The thought of walking away from something in this moment - something that no longer serves you - might be gut-wrenching but quite insignificant compared to the monumental grief it might bring in the future. Trading a little heartache now is worth the unbridled joy you would create for yourself. So, walk away from that which no longer brings you joy. Take up the space you need, speak the words you want, and extend to yourself the compassion you so easily show to others. Show up as yourself, for yourself - not as who you think someone else would want you to be. It’s not selfish — it’s self-preservation, it’s self-healing. -d.h. |
