Nothing lasts forever and all things come to an end - good or bad. This adage brings hope when times are dark and uncertain. When something we cherished comes to an end, it throws one off the edge. Often, it comes unannounced, unexpected. I’ve experienced this several times and each time’s been hard in its own way. But because I try to find the lesson in everything I'm thankful for each experience, for all the people I have come across, for everything that they shared with me, for the chance I have had to grow. I'll take the best of it with me everywhere I go. Even though this isn't what I want, I will take the high road because I don’t want to carry the burden of anger or walk around with disappointment. And mostly because I want to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made.

These ashes that lay before me of something that had to die, sometimes tempt me to rebuild what was. But it’s amorphous. It won’t budge, and it refuses to take shape. I finally do understand something deeply. There are things we have to accept even when we don’t want them to happen. There are things we don't want to know but must learn (of ourselves and others). And there are people we think we can't live without but have to let go. 

I know I will carry these experiences in my heart. But I don’t know in what shape or form just yet. Something has shifted within me fundamentally - altered me in a lasting way. But I’m waiting to learn what this transformation is - whether I will wall myself in or become stronger and fluid and allow the scars to be a reminder of who I used to be. 

For now, I have to live in this in-between, suspended in what was and what is yet to come. For now, I am forced to live fully in the present. I have no choice but lean into what’s uncomfortable and difficult. For now, I need to journey with it each day as I discover who I am becoming. 

-d.h.

“What would I be if I hadn’t been hurt? 
What would I be without the scars?
Would I ever know the truth?
Would I realize --
How the shadow gives meaning to light.
If the storm hadn’t blown,
Would I cherish the calm?
If I hadn’t been empty,
Would I know the space within my heart?
If I were unbroken,
Would I know how to love?
Would I be real if I hadn’t been hurt?”


-d.h.